...need coffee...

True, true, and oh, so true!

(Source: fuck-gorgeous, via thesedeepcitylightss)

You say tomato, I say Bloody Mary.

(Source: corporealaspectofmyheart, via thegreenqueen19)

Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever done something as soul-crushing as what I just did.  I auditioned for a show recently (a NEW musical, actually).  One of my dreams has been to originate a role in a show, to go through that entire process of rewrites, discovering & setting the mold for the characters, all of that!  So, of course I was thrilled when I not only delivered a great initial audition (I assume it was so based on the reactions of those present, not because I think I’m fucking awesome…even if I am, that’s beside the point), but also received a callback for the role they had me sing & read at the audition (a 17-year-old kid; dear Jesus, YES!  Not a senior citizen!).  The same night I got the callback email, I also got my email from the Stella Adler studio, in NYC.

Oh, shit…

I’ve spent the past few days half-heartedly going over the music for the callbacks, and just as listlessly looking for a job.  I realized I couldn’t possibly market myself for a full-time job, which I DESPERATELY need, and risk committing myself to a show with the kind of rehearsal schedule this one would require.

…so I just did something I hope I never, in my professional life, have to do again:  I sent an email to the director, thanked her for her time & consideration, and turned down the callback.

I know, it wasn’t a ROLE I turned down, but it was an awesome opportunity, and one which I felt could have easily led to some involvement in this show.  What kills me even more is that I have to do the same thing later today with another theatre company.  I’ve got an audition scheduled for this Saturday for a concert production of 1776, but the show runs in September & October.  Assuming all goes according to plan (God, please) I’ll be in NY then.  Cancelling this audition is less painful than declining my callback, but still.

I feel like the training I’ve had these past 3 years has conditioned me into feeling guilty if I don’t want to/cannot participate in a production.  We’re taught that actors should be grateful for every opportunity they get to act, be it a commercial, a shitty kids’ show, or a bit part in something bigger.  ALL of that is true, but when do we say, “No.  This isn’t what I need/can do right now, and I’ve got to look out for Number 1”?  I dabbled in that mindset this past semester.  I was overextended during the fall semester, and decided I would start saying “No” more often, if only for my own sanity.

Unfortunately, I had no choice but to audition for the last mainstage production of the year.  I already knew I didn’t want to do the show for reasons detailed above, but because of a clause in the “contract” all the majors had to sign, I was obligated to waste everyone’s time & audition anyway.

So I sabotaged my own audition.  I did the dance portion (ha) and bailed before the singing auditions began.  Am I proud of this tactic?  No, but it was my only option outside of poorly singing one of the songs that had been sent out a mere 3 days prior to the auditions.

Newsflash:  I am an actor who can sing.  I am not, nor will I pretend to be, an actor who can read sheet music.  I don’t even call myself a singer.  I am an actor.  I also can sing.  There I am.

Point is, I’m not happy to have to turn down this opportunity to perform, but…I know it’s what I need to do.  I NEED a full-time job, because I NEED to be able to sustain myself for at least a month in New York.  Ultimately, something better will come along, and I will get to be a part of it.

Because I am determined to do so, and fuck anyone who thinks I won’t do it.

I really am beck on the Tumblr…I’ve just neglected to write anything.  I reblogged some things, though!  That counts, right?

… … …

Anywho:

Here’s a brief (yeah, right) rundown of what I’ve been up to & what’s been happening in my life since I took my hiatus (fancy word) from the Tumblr:

• I started my second semester of junior year at S****** University on academic probation.  I began classes with every intention of getting my shit together & doing the very best work that I could.
• The shit hit the fan even more with the GBC/Donald Dowless bullshit, and my give-a-fucks began dwindling.
• I learned Hell hath no fury like a gay man scorned.
• I learned I really shouldn’t ever get drunk around large groups of people.  I either end up mad at somebody, or vomiting (but only the latter at parties centered around the birthdate of one D.K. Hoyt…hmm…)
• I learned I LOVE gin!
• My beloved department, my home & safe place for nearly three years, was torn apart at the seams.  My give-a-fuck reserve sprung a big leak.
• I saw a therapist, but only for two sessions.  Cigarettes, paper, and blue pens are cheaper.
• I did three plays:  Shakespeare’s Othello, a new-ish adaptation of Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice, and Elmer Rice’s Dream Girl.  I loved doing all three of them.
• I left Sarah Beth out of the program for It’s the Talk of the Town, on accident.  I rectified the situation by having an insert printed.  Crisis averted.
• I went to Daytona for the first time, and I never want to go back.
• I went to SETC and sat on my ass all day while the rest of the world ran around tending to their callbacks.
• I played more Monopoly in one semester than I have played in well over 5 years.
• I auditioned for, and have recently been accepted into, the Evening Conservatory at the Stella Adler Studio of Acting.  Up yours, SETC.
• I said goodbye to a lot of truly wonderful performers and people, and I did a small, internal happy-dance at the prospect of never having to see some other people again.

That’s the highly condensed version.  Now that I’m home, I’m enjoying my new Blu-ray player (and a 1-month free trial of Netflix; all I do at night is watch movies & old TV shows, and I LOVE it!), applying for jobs, and, now, am figuring out exactly how I will pay not only for my new school, but also for a life in New York City (I use the term “life” loosely; rent, food, and subway fare will suffice).

I am much happier, and calmer, here than I have been in weeks (maybe months).  I have a very good feeling about this summer.  :)

(Source: jamestewart, via thegreenqueen19)